letting go.

So I’m working on this project.
Project Me.

I’ve tried working on Project Everyone Else.
It didn’t really work.

See-I had a moment where I was bitterly complaining about the universe to Mr. Man-our rental house is being sold, my car needs replacing within 2 months and everything else was in chaos (at least that’s what the committee meeting in my head was telling me-more about that in another post to come). I told him I felt like a bad country western song. Ever the funny guy, Mr. Man suggested then that I play the song backwards.

Haha.

I responded, ever so forcefully with…
“NO. Maybe y’all need to play the song backwards-it’s not ME!”
(Yeah. I did actually say y’all. Had to totally commit to the theme.)

And back to therapy I go.

Because the only thing I control is me which makes the only person worth micromanaging and working on is…you guessed it…ME.

And here’s where Project Me is taking me. Maybe you can relate? I am in the process of learning to let go of the outcome. I realized I was not making decisions because I was so focused on the final life changing uber important outcome that I could never decide on even the most basic parts of the process. My anxiety about a particular decision was killing any sort of progress and literally freezing me in place.

My therapist had me make three lists:
1. If option A happened, how would I proceed to make decisions?
2. If option B happened, how would I proceed to make decisions?
3. If I let go of the outcome, how would I proceed to make decisions?

Understand that I am a serious planner. I make lists and I make plans. I don’t do well letting go or letting the universe take it’s course. I used to think I controlled the universe. I’m working on that too. So after I made the first two lists my therapist had me take off my glasses, put my two feet on the ground, breathe deeply and then write whatever came to mind for the third list.

The one list that seemed the most daunting, the most impossible to embrace, the most out of reach also felt the best. I was able to write out what I would do and how that would look and it looked good. And felt good! And I could breath.

So I let go.
Or am trying to.

I’m doing all I can and letting God and the universe take me where I’m supposed to go. It hasn’t been easy and I haven’t been great at it for more than an hour or two at a time but I do know it feels better when I do it. As a result I’ve had the best weekend with our family I’ve had in months and the best conversations with Mr. Man that don’t include the term “y’all” or any reference to country western music-much to his relief! I’m enjoying the process and letting good things in that I wouldn’t see if I were just focused on the final outcome.

I’m sure you’ll hear more about Project Me.
It’s going to be quite a ride!

-McGee