Monday, November 9, 2009

scared.

I’m scared.

More like terrified.

Not like spiders, snakes and being scared in the dark.

Much worse than that.

Spiders and snakes I can handle.

More like am I enough as a mom, have I taught them the right things, will they make good choices, do they know what they need to know to go out into the world? Forget the world-are they smart enough and have strong enough values to survive middle school?

That’s not scary. That’s plain terrifying.

My friend commented to me that she was enjoying my blog but perhaps I could write about mothering…maybe give her some advice…LOL…Mary, this one is for you!

Most of my peers spent their 20’s mastering the fine art of partying and their 30’s trying to move past that. Not me. In my 20’s I was raising babies and mastering the fine art of the “What If” game followed by a case of the “If Only’s”. In my 30’s I’m trying to move past THAT and I do…for the most part…except for when it comes to those adorable babies I was raising in my 20’s…both of whom woke up one morning as beautiful, talented, cute, smart and sassy young women. Which brings me to a whole new level of “What If” and “If Only”!

I’m not ready for that!

I just realized that my oldest daughter is going to be in high school next year. High school. Where Freshmen go to school with Seniors. The leap is staggering. I remember watching Zach at a basketball game his Freshmen year and watching the Senior boys across the gym thinking…oh my goodness. My little boy is going to school with grown men!  And now I'm looking at sending GIRLS there?!?!?

The truth is, 98% of the time I think I’m a good mom. I’m doing the things I want to do with my children, I’ve taught them well, they are active kids who know they are loved and supported. Sure they don’t love their veggies and they like to occasionally push every last button we have but they are good kids none the less.

Then there’s that 2%.

That 2% kept me up well past 1am last night as I shed tears of fear over had I done enough. Did I teach them the right things? Do they know what to do in any situation? Will they talk to me if they get in over their heads? Do they know their worth? Have I taught them enough so that they won’t repeat my mistakes?

I always wanted to be a mom but now I feel a little in over my head!
I wonder if my mom felt that way?
I wonder how many mom’s feel that way.
And late at night…trying to calm my worried mind…
I assume for the sake of sanity…that all mom’s feel that way.

And the kicker?
We aren’t even at high school yet!

McGee

1 comment:

Lauren said...

all a mom can do is their best and hope that their daughter gets it one day. my mom wasn't the greatest by any means....even today at 30 and her 57, she makes mistakes. but, she raised me well enough that i know she does her best and loves me - thats why she does what she does.

your kids know you love them. you do what you do b/c you love them. love is the most basic and important gift you can give them. that makes you an inherently good mother. from there, the rest will work itself out.