letting go.

So I’m working on this project.
Project Me.

I’ve tried working on Project Everyone Else.
It didn’t really work.

See-I had a moment where I was bitterly complaining about the universe to Mr. Man-our rental house is being sold, my car needs replacing within 2 months and everything else was in chaos (at least that’s what the committee meeting in my head was telling me-more about that in another post to come). I told him I felt like a bad country western song. Ever the funny guy, Mr. Man suggested then that I play the song backwards.

Haha.

I responded, ever so forcefully with…
“NO. Maybe y’all need to play the song backwards-it’s not ME!”
(Yeah. I did actually say y’all. Had to totally commit to the theme.)

And back to therapy I go.

Because the only thing I control is me which makes the only person worth micromanaging and working on is…you guessed it…ME.

And here’s where Project Me is taking me. Maybe you can relate? I am in the process of learning to let go of the outcome. I realized I was not making decisions because I was so focused on the final life changing uber important outcome that I could never decide on even the most basic parts of the process. My anxiety about a particular decision was killing any sort of progress and literally freezing me in place.

My therapist had me make three lists:
1. If option A happened, how would I proceed to make decisions?
2. If option B happened, how would I proceed to make decisions?
3. If I let go of the outcome, how would I proceed to make decisions?

Understand that I am a serious planner. I make lists and I make plans. I don’t do well letting go or letting the universe take it’s course. I used to think I controlled the universe. I’m working on that too. So after I made the first two lists my therapist had me take off my glasses, put my two feet on the ground, breathe deeply and then write whatever came to mind for the third list.

The one list that seemed the most daunting, the most impossible to embrace, the most out of reach also felt the best. I was able to write out what I would do and how that would look and it looked good. And felt good! And I could breath.

So I let go.
Or am trying to.

I’m doing all I can and letting God and the universe take me where I’m supposed to go. It hasn’t been easy and I haven’t been great at it for more than an hour or two at a time but I do know it feels better when I do it. As a result I’ve had the best weekend with our family I’ve had in months and the best conversations with Mr. Man that don’t include the term “y’all” or any reference to country western music-much to his relief! I’m enjoying the process and letting good things in that I wouldn’t see if I were just focused on the final outcome.

I’m sure you’ll hear more about Project Me.
It’s going to be quite a ride!

-McGee

little kid inside

I had a therapist once.

Strike that.
I’ve had many a therapist.
I mean, really McGee-let’s call a spade a spade.

But this one guy, Richard, changed the way I think about life and people. It was like he picked up the snow globe that was McGee, shook me all up and set me back down never to have the snow drop in the same spot again.

Thank God for Richard.
Literally.

The single most intimidating concept that Richard worked with was that inside each of us remained a little child; innocent, scared, timid, loving and carefree. Our adults subconsciously protect that little child by putting up defense mechanisms, acting out, chasing people away, putting on a tough outer shell and a myriad of other things. Often the inner child was hurt, emotionally stunted or experienced something significant at some point and they become the back seat passenger of life that we, as adults, protect. Richard’s was named Richie and he was in touch with that kid in amazing ways. Because of that, Richard made peace with life enough that he doesn’t need to protect little Richie as much as rejoice in him and embrace the innocent, pure love that he gives.

Mine? Let’s just call her little mcgee.

Cut to Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.
Have you figured out yet that my biggest addiction is to reality TV?
Did you know that Dr. Drew is one of my celebrity crushes?
Probably a bit of transference there!

So on this week’s episode of Celebrity Rehab they show the patients a video set to music of their younger selves-way back when they were little kids, through the good years and then touch on the rougher years before wrapping it up. Tom Sizemore is a patient (have I really blogged his name twice already? Weird. Right?) and he does all he can to keep it together but finally the flood gates break and that great big burned out tough man sobs.  He sobs for his youth, for his innocence, for the young man that he was. It was heart breaking.

And then I thought about Richard.
And little Richie.

I could see the little boy in that Tom Sizemore and it made me look at him a little differently. Was he an idiot? Sure. Was he out of control before he checked in? Yup. Was he harmful to others? Probably. But under all that I saw the little boy too-the one that was probably hurt at a young age and retreated way deep down. The scared little boy that wanted to do good and be great and life a fantastic life. And I had a little more compassion for him, a little more understanding and a little less judgment.

And then it left me wondering…

What would life be like if I actively sought out the inner child in the people around me? Not only the ones I love but also the ones I don’t even like.

Would I see them differently?
Would I be able to forgive them faster?
Dislike them less?
Or at least tolerate them more gracefully?

And what would happen if I let little mcgee out to play a little more?

Feels dangerous.
And vulnerable.

But I bet it would be more fun.

McGee