Words to live by.

w

Pants to Church?

I grew up in the LDS church.

I was raised by a strong feminist.

I left the church years ago.

But I would still consider myself a Mormon Feminist.

I tend to stay away from issues surrounding the Mormon Church on my blog, Facebook or in family settings as I have many active members of the LDS church whom I love and respect and who love and respect me even though we don’t agree.  I didn’t leave in an angry storm or with resentments and anger.  I left because I felt what was taught and what I believed in my heart were no longer congruent.  It’s because of this that I don’t engage in bashing or disparaging the church.  Truth be told there are parts of the church I miss and parts of the culture I still carry with me and pass on to my children.

That said, today is a day I didn’t want to be quiet about.  Today, in an attempt to start a new conversation, many, many LDS women across the US wore pants to church.

I truly believe that the LDS church has two very distinct sets of rules, regulations, covenants and traditions.  One set is based on doctrine; what the elders of the church and the prophet have professed came from Heavenly Father and contains the die hard principles of the church.  The other set is based on culture.  Often what is actually a cultural understanding or tradition is espoused with the same conviction as doctrine and it creates judgment, pain and contention.

The movement today was not a protest about women not being allowed to wear pants to church.  Culturally, women wear dresses and men wear dress shirts and ties, often with a suit coat.  Doctrinally there is no edict to what we wear.  The powers that be in Salt Lake have suggested it’s appropriate to wear your “Sunday best” but don’t counsel what that is specifically.

At the suggestion of a popular blogger, a group of LDS women started a Facebook group and event and decided wearing respectable, dressy slacks to church today would be a powerful, while respectful, way to suggest it’s time to start the conversation about what it culture and what is doctrine and examine the parts that have left some women feeling less than within the church.  Men who supported the intention would wear purple in solidarity.  I thought it sounded like an interesting group and followed along in the conversation to show moral support.  And then it got ugly.

The Mormon church I was raised in taught love, tolerance and acceptance.  We understood we were to strive to be Christlike as the ultimate example of loving one another.  That’s why I was absolutely shocked by the reaction of many, many LDS people who disagreed with the movement to wear pants today in the least Christlike way imaginable.

I read death threats, I read one woman state in reference to women who wanted to wear pants “I will not be party to hammering a nail in Christ’s hand.”  I read active members comments that any feminist should stay away from “their” church, stay home or better yet leave the church for good as there was no place for feminists there.  I read one self professing “Active temple going member of the LDS Church” suggest one woman ought to just cut off her breasts and pretend to be a man at church.  I can’t help but question what fear is behind those reactions?  I’ve not seen anything like it.  The way I saw it was anyone in disagreement had an opportunity to practice what their religion really is and be loving, accepting and Christlike.

I know, I know.  People aren’t perfect, the church is perfect.  I am no longer willing to accept that.  God is perfect, that I believe.  “The Church” will never be perfect except for that it’s been an ever growing and re-evaluating organization standing for Jesus Christ.  When societal norms and laws forbid past behaviors or who was to hold the priesthood, etc. “The Church” relented and changed course.  Some would say that was due to direct revelation from God to a Prophet.  Others argue it to be a man made law.  Regardless, the church I grew up in has evolved in some ways and I have hope it will evolve again.

If I had been an active member, today I would have worn pants.  Not because I think women should wear pants everyday, in fact, I quite like a good dress and heels.  But because if there are women who feel unequal in church matters, uncomfortable because they claim the label of feminist, who are taught they are less than and even worse, believe it, then I will proudly and steadfastly stand with them and for them until that inequity is no longer so painful or so pointed. 

I believe the church I grew up in is making strides in the right direction.  I am proud of my heritage and carry much of it with me.  I also believe the majority of LDS people I know personally would never behave any other way than to be loving and accepting of Mormon Feminists.

However.

The responses online that came from LDS members spewing hate and calling women to repentance and obedience just solidified for me how necessary this conversation is.

I hope one day to say I saw the beginning of a mighty change. 

-McGee, A Mormon Feminist

hardest work.

It's after 11:00 on a Thursday night.
I've worked half a day,
Took care of a feverish baby,
Cheered on two of our girls on the basketball court,
Helped Little Man with his math,
Placed Oodle, our Elf on a Shelf, in a new spot
And was hanging up laundry thinking about being a mom.

Turns out two Varsity athletes in the same sport makes for a lot of jerseys hanging to dry in your hallway late at night during a tournament week.

It's a lot of work being a mom.

And being a good one is hard.

The physical work is plentiful,

But the emotional work is intense.

I really didn't know what I was getting into.

I'm not sure anyone could have prepared me.

I had no idea how much my mom, yes, even my full time working outside of the house mom, did for us to make sure we had what we needed and often what we wanted.  I had no idea my heart would walk around outside my body on a daily basis.  I didn't know how tiring it would be nor did I really comprehend how amazing it would feel to be someones mommy, let alone have six call me mom.  I didn't understand how special it would feel to have a newborn look at me the way Bean does or to be the mom cheering on the sidelines at their sporting events.

It really is the hardest non-paying, often overlooked and under-appreciated work I've ever done but it is by far the one that yields the biggest payoff.  I am one blessed mommy.

-McGee

it gets better?

Ever had those days when you wonder when it will get better?

Easier?

Less complicated?

I had that day today.

There is no big crisis, life isn't coming to a crashing halt,
nothing is falling apart.

But.
I'm exhausted.

Thank Sweet Baby Jesus my sweet baby bean is a sleeper!  I've multi-tasked more than I should have this week.  Mini-Me had her own 16 year old drama, (which, by the way, if you have a literal mini-me,  good luck getting through her high school years without feeling every ounce of pain from your own four years of hell), we've had injuries, work, parent meetings at school, basketball practices, try outs for the teams I coach and...hmmm...what else?

And the Bean.
Whom I adore.
But was under the weather and wanted to snuggle all week.
Which I also adore.
Unless I have things that need to be accomplished.

So by Friday night I take a deep breath, sigh and have an emotional let down.  The first thought that crosses my mind is when will it be easier?  And then I realize this is the time in my children's lives that my elders look back on fondly and occasionally even miss.

And then I breathe again.

And Bean cracks a monumentally huge smile at me.
And I pick up Mini-Me in her new car and SHE cracks a grin.
And Little Miss is loving being lazy on the couch.
And Little Man is ready to be tucked in with a big "I love you"
And Soapy D is passed out, cozy as can be.

And Mr. Man gives me that look.
(Which makes me laugh because it's been too long of a day for that, but it's still flattering)

And I remember...this is a beautiful life.
Even when it's crazy.
And exhausting.
Or tedious.

It's also lovely.
And blessed.

Certainly irreplaceable.

-McGee

little MANnerism throw back

Having a newborn and a 5 year old in the house brought this one back...

When Little Man was born, Little Miss was 6.
I was changing his diaper one day and she was looking inquisitively at his parts just over my shoulder.  Recognizing her curiosity we started talking about private areas of our bodies and wanting to always use proper language I told her that Little Man had a penis but that it was his and not to be bothered by anyone.

A few minutes went by when it dawned on me she might not know what her parts were called.  So I asked "Do you know what your private area is called?"

Without skipping a beat and almost dismissively she says...

"Oh mine?  Mine's just a regular."

And let me tell you, that just made the word vagina sound so ridiculous it took me a few days to circle back and correct her.

-McGee

little MANnerisms

Little Man and I were driving past the local cemetery.
He was asking me loads of questions...

Will Bean have to be buried here since she was born here?
Do we know anyone buried here?
How are people buried?

Then he busts out with this gem...

Little Man:  Mom, when I die I don't want to be buried.
Me:     What do you want to have happen instead?
Little Man:  I want to be a prop.
Me:     A prop?  Like for a movie?
Little Man:  No.  Like for a Halloween decoration at the house.

(I'm dying at this point)

Me:    What would we do with you when it's not Halloween?
Little Man:  Just put me in the attic, or the basement.  I just think my body would be lonely if you buried it in the cemetery.

Seriously.  A prop?
I love this kid.

-McGee

progress.

So...I grew up as, and proceeded to live years of my adult life as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I was a Mormon.
Story for another time.

I'm no longer an active participant for doctrinal reasons.
Another story for another time.
Maybe.

But it is part of who I am and how I came to be.
I'm connected to it in a way that is deeply cultural.
Not just religious.
I love many parts of the culture and appreciate what I've learned.
I didn't leave with an angry bang.
I left with a sad heart and a love of the community.

But it would be hard to go back.
Unless some things changed.

Today some of those things changed a little.

Young men in the LDS community have been expected to serve a two year mission when they turn 19, for as long as I've been alive, even longer.  Women have been allowed to go when they turn 21, however, it is not an expectation.  In fact, it's been often perceived and taught to be an option (at least in my classes) "if you aren't married by 21" causing a stigma and far less women than men serving missions.  Women are invited to go at 21 for a year and a half.

Today at a Bi-Annual meeting of the church, known as General Conference, a massive change in the missionary requirements occurred that has made an emotional impact on me that I'm still processing.  The age for missionary service changed-men are invited to serve at the age of 18 and women at the age of 19.

I happened to be trolling Twitter this morning when I noticed one of my favorite Mormon/Feminist/Authors tweeted the changes as they were happening and I was immediately taken back by how emotional my reaction was.  I haven't been involved in the church in more than 5 years and while I miss certain aspects, I try not to dwell on it often.  The Twitterverse was a buzz with the news including, and perhaps the most impactful to me, the news that the Young Women and Young Men's programs would be taught via the same manual.  Almost as important a change as the attempt at equality in the age of missionaries in my mind.

Part of the reason I choose to not participate in the church with my family today are the confusing messages I received as a young woman concerning my fate in life, my understanding that my worth was only as a homemaker and my "less than" status compared to the boys my age-my job was to control my behavior and dress as to not tempt the boys in my vicinity to behave or think inappropriately.  Concurrently-I was to support the boys my age as they prepared for missions with the understanding that IF I wasn't married by the age of 21 I could also serve my religion IF I choose to do so.  Those "less than" feelings were not something I was comfortable exposing my daughters to and passing that guilt and burden on to.

I should say at this point that this is MY experience and MY understanding, I know some of you felt differently growing up in the church and had different experiences and that's ok.  This is just what I felt.

Today I felt a monumental shift.  And while many sources are pointing to different reasons the change was made (needing more missionaries, BYU attendance issues, etc) I feel strongly that regardless of the reason behind the change, the change will be one for the better and the long lasting effects are progress in the making.

Also announced, as I understand it-I didn't watch Conference myself, is that the Young Men and Young Women's programs will be taught from the same manual.  This marks a significant change in which boys and girls, ages 12-18 are being taught the same things, week by week, and held to the same principles for the same reasons.  To me, this is huge.  I have fought back tears all day at the thought alone and the validation my 19 year old self feels with these changes.  It's hard to explain if you are outside of the culture. I look forward to the day no girl in the church is aware of the licked cupcake analogy or the already been chewed gum object lesson.

Someone on the internet today called it "Progress With an Asterisk".  It's a seemingly small change but I think it's a Neil Armstrong moment.  One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.  I don't need men and women to have the same responsibilities within the church to feel comfortable going back but I do need to know my daughters would be stretched to be the best they can be and feel as important and as valuable in their capacity to serve as my sons would at the same age.  This change could be the beginning of that.

Or it might not be.
Truth?
I'm an eternal optimist.

I believe in evolution.
Even in religion.

Who knows what we will see in our life times.
At the risk of sounding dramatic...
I never thought I would see this.

So I remain cautiously optimistic.
From a distance.

Progress is often slow but always worth it.

-McGee